由懸宕與認同之間追尋生命的意義

Abstract

本論文是以「生命敘事」作為研究方法，其寫作方式是沿著「時間軸線」，將記憶中的過往透過回憶而寫下。期望以不同視角在撰寫過程中觀待昔日負面等往事能有所啟發進而肯定自己，並從自我的肯定之中感受出生命的意義。 研究者的撰寫以「童年的第一印象」揭開了人生的序幕。此後，成長與求學階段的自我追求在「社會主流價值觀」的標準下的接連挫敗、失意而導致人生多年處於懸宕，於是自我的正面感知逐漸暗誨，也無法確認生命的意義。然而就在將成長和求學回憶撰寫完成後的暫歇期間，研究者忽然身染惡疾。由於危急的病況，「認同」、「生命意義」如此有關自我實現等問題在殘餘生理基礎之上的必然退位，也讓研究者論文的寫作方向及內容也必須有所調整。 由於研究者在倖存後對於生命觀念和態度所產生的巨大轉變，在「珍惜生命」及「品味生活」當中，反而由背負他人眼光和期待的放下之中；在對於「活者就是意義」，與「存在的本然價值」肯定之下所產生的「自我認同」當中，繼而對未來是否會開展出研究者向來所期待的生命意義，將比從前有著更為樂觀的看待。

This thesis uses “life narrative” as the research method, and its writing method is to write down the past in memory through recollection along the “time axis”. I hope that looking at the negative past events from different perspectives in the writing process can be inspiring and affirm myself, and feel the meaning of life from my self-identity. The researcher’s writing opened the prelude to life with the “first impression of childhood”. Since then, the successive frustrations and disappointments of self-pursuing in the growth and schooling stages under the standards of “mainstream social values’’ let to years of suspension in life, so the positive perception of self gradually vague, and meaning of life could not be confirmed. However, just during the break after writing the memories of growing up and studying, the researcher was suddenly taken critical ill. Due to the critical illness, self- realization issues such as “self-identity” and “meaning of life” must abdicate on the basis of there remained physiology, and writing direction and content of the researcher’s thesis must also be adjusted. Because of the tremendous changes in the researchers’ attitudes and attitudes towards life after surviving, in the process of “cherishing life” and “appreciating life”, instead of bearing his vision and expecting to let go of oneself; With the “self-identification” generated under the affirmation of the “intrinsic value of existence”, there will be a more optimistic view of whether the meaning of life that researchers have always expected will be developed in the future.