從一位護理長的迎生送亡歷程探尋自我的存在

Abstract

本論文從一位安寧病房護理長的生命故事談起，探尋護理長在職涯中，如何從一位怕死、不願意接觸死亡的護理人員，逐步走進安寧病房，並將推廣安寧療護當成是自己的使命，在退休後，走進社區，繼續照顧末期病人與協助末期病人走向善終。 藉由敘事的過程，發現護理長在進入護理初期，就將「好的護理觀念要傳承」、「你正走在歷史上」的意識背負上身，而後因為「不忍受苦之心」的驅動，開始轉身面對死亡，使她從原本的懼怕死亡，慢慢轉變為透過死亡欣賞生命，最後更在幫助末期病人善終的工作中，為自己的死亡做好準備。 在研究的過程中，研究者因為論文的無法進行，重新審思自己以護理長為論文主題的初心，在護理長理所當然地活著的態度與己身費力辛苦的存在的差異中，重新提出研究問題，將研究的焦點置放於與自己生命相關的問題意識，因而開展了研究者的自我敘說。 在自我敘事的過程中，研究者看見自己從青少年時期開始對生命提出探問：為什麼活著？怎麼活？因為這些問題的無解，研究者始終受困，並深感人生的苦。但生命必須繼續，於是為了求生存，研究者架構起一個想要成為的自己，使得理智腦與感性心分離。當那個被架構起的自我被推倒時，在破碎中，研究者反而體會到活著真好的生命感動，並體認到存不存在、以什麼樣貌存在都不是重點，人生的重點應該是在體會存在、欣賞存在。

This paper began with the life story of a head hospice nurse, explored how she who has been death-afraid and reluctant to contact with dying patients, step by step moved into the hospice care field, and made it her mission after her retirement to promote hospice care in communities and help terminal patients towards good death. Through the storytelling process, it is found that the nursing officer in the early stage of her nursing career, carried on her own consciousness of "passing on good nursing tradition" and "you are in the process of history", and then driven by her feeling that cannot bear the suffering of others, she began to turn around and face death which changed her original fear of death to an appreciation of life through death, and finally her work of helping terminal patients prepares for her own death. In the course of the study, the researcher reexamined her original intention of taking the hospice nursing caregiver as the theme of her thesis. The differences of attitude towards life between both: “living by nature” of the nursing caregiver and “life is but a hard work” of the researcher, let the researcher reformulate the research question and focused her research on the awareness of the problems related to her own life, thus developing the researcher's self-narrative. In the process of self-narrative, the researcher saw herself asking questions about life from adolescence: why I live? How do I live? The nature of these questions are hard to answer, so the researcher were always trapped, and had a deep feeling about the suffering of life. However, life must go on. In order to survive, the researcher constructs a self that she wants to be, separating the intellectual brain from the emotional heart. When the constructed ego is overturned, the researcher, in the midst of the shattering, realized that it is good to be alive and it is not really the point to exist or not , or to exist in any form. The point of life is to experience existence, and then appreciate it for what it is.