斷裂與連結的生死敍事

Abstract

死亡面前，誰，都一樣！ 緣起於「生命照顧實務課程」與優秀的金山醫院醫護團隊，走入了照顧者與被照顧者的生命場域，看著彼此生命交織生死課題的流動；啟發了我想藉由探索「死亡」，回溯自己生命中重要他者死亡，對自己未能好好告別，產生的影響。 生命中重要他者的死亡，未能與之好好告別，造成自己內在創傷而不自知；而在自己的生命進程中，反反覆覆地將自己情感面的斷裂，當成死亡處理。以為這樣子，自己就可以不痛、不傷。 然而，生命中總有著凡人的我們難解的神奇奧妙。因為恐懼死亡，死亡反而以我異想不到的方式，橋接起生命中不思議的因與緣，進而產生連結。當我勇敢的凝視自己內在深層的恐懼時，也許，它回應我的，不再是恐懼的樣貌。 《紅樓夢．第一回》：「滿紙荒唐言，一把辛酸淚；都云作者痴，誰解其中味。」 未曾想過要以自我敍說的方式，來進行論文研究；然而，不管怎樣，一切都是最好的安排。冥冥之中，總會讓生命自己找到出口。

In the face of death, whoever is the same! Originating from the "Life Care Practical Course" and the excellent medical team of Jinshan Hospital, I entered the life field of the caregiver and the cared for, and watched the flow of life and death issues intertwined with each other's lives; it inspired me to explore "death" and look back at the death of the important other in my life, and the impact on my failure to say goodbye. Sadly, the death of the important other in my life whom I was failing to say goodbye to, causes myself internal trauma which I didn’t realize; Therefore, I treats the rupture of my emotional side as death in my own life repeatedly. I simply thought that in this way I could not be hurt or hurt myself. However, there is always a magical mystery in life that is difficult for us to understand. Because of the fear of death, death bridges the unthinkable causes and conditions in life in a way that I could not imagine, and then creates a connection. When I bravely gaze at the deep fear within myself, perhaps, it responds to me no longer as fear. The first chapter of the classical Chinese novel “Dream of the Red Chamber” full of absurd words, a handful of bitter tears; everyone says author is ignorance, who understands the taste." I had never thought to conduct thesis research in a self-narrative way; however, everything was the best arrangement anyway. It was meant to be that life will always find its own exit.