擁抱陰影的自性化旅程—一位比丘尼自我追尋與內在整合之道

Abstract

這是一篇關於研究者在自我追尋過程中，因童年陰影、創傷經驗再現的撞擊，卻意外走上內在整合之路，及回頭尋根的故事。 本研究是以「生命敘事」作為研究方法，寫作方式以創傷的經驗與斷裂的記憶，及創傷經驗在現實生活中勾動的情結、情緒為立基點。藉由創傷經驗的書寫與敘說，逐漸喚起過往原生家庭記憶，及透過訪問家人中，將碎片的自我逐一地串連與統整一個連貫、同一性的自我。過程中，面對、理解創傷經驗對我的影響，及進一步對自我與原生家庭關係間更深層的探索與理解，並從中重新建立被瓦解的主體，療癒、整合及轉化自己的創傷經驗，及重新理解自我與家庭關係的樣貌與為我帶來的影響。 研究者撰寫以死亡為生命經驗的「破口」，驚覺到自己的兩種分裂及自己死掉的狀態：以「創傷失落的童年」，揭開人生的序幕，從在家庭中的沒有位置、失根、無存在感等的情感截斷，到被照顧者被動或主動地遺棄、切割，研究者失去了自己。此後，在成長階段逐漸分裂成兩個自己，一方面，內在的情感截斷、虛無、沒有自己等，另一面發展出俠女、拯救的力量及虛偽的自我，在兩股力量的推動下，使之更邁向出家的道路。整合的道路從覺察分裂的自我開始，並透過夢境所帶來意識與潛意識的對話逐漸產生理解與轉化。進一步再從歷史脈絡下的三代女性共通的苦難，進而回頭肯定外婆與母親的生命故事，及我所承接的這兩股力量，進而整合自己內在的陰陽。This is a story about a researcher who accidentally embarks on the road of inner integration due to the impact of childhood shadows and the reappearance of traumatic experiences in the process of self-discovery, and goes back to find his roots.

This research uses "life narrative" as the research method, and the writing method is based on traumatic experiences and broken memories, as well as the complexes and emotions that traumatic experiences arouse in real life. Through the writing and narration of traumatic experience, the memory of the original family in the past is gradually aroused, and by visiting family members, the fragmented self is connected and unified into a coherent and identical self one by one. In the process, I faced and understood the impact of the traumatic experience on me, and further explored and understood the relationship between myself and the original family, and re-established the disintegrated subject, and healed, integrated and transformed my own traumatic experience. And re-understand the appearance of the relationship between self and family and the impact on me.

The researcher writes about death as the "break" of life experience, and is shocked to realize the two kinds of splits and the state of his own death: using "traumatic lost childhood" to open the prelude to life, from having no place in the family , Lost roots, no sense of existence, etc. emotional truncation, to the passive or active abandonment and cutting by the caregiver, the researcher loses himself. Afterwards, during the growth stage, it gradually split into two selves. On the one hand, the inner emotional truncation, emptiness, and no self, etc., and on the other hand, the chivalrous, saving power and hypocritical self were developed. Driven by the two forces, the It is even more on the road to becoming a monk. The path of integration begins with the awareness of the split self, and gradually produces understanding and transformation through the dialogue between the conscious and subconscious brought about by dreams. Further, from the common sufferings of three generations of women in the historical context, and then look back to affirm the life stories of my grandmother and mother, and the two forces I have inherited, and then integrate my inner yin and yang.